You know I loves me some horror pictures, and I loves me some violence and gore, but the Saw pictures with their utterly preposterous plot contrivances leave me totally unimpressed. I remember when the first movie in the series was new, people were telling me to see it. Some said the story was good, which was manifestly false. Others said I’d like it because it was just oh so gory, which was also a lie.

On the plus side, it did have Danny Glover.

Getting too HANDSOME for this shit, maybe

So, even though it does feature Danny “Angels in the Outfield” Glover, I just didn’t give a shit about Saw or its myriad sequels.

But if anything could ever make me want to see Saw VI, which comes to a theater near you this very day, it would be the opening moments of this video, an interview with Marcus Dunstan, cowriter of Saw IV, V and VI. Check it out:

I know I’m snobby a lot with my love of silly things like black-and-white movies or character development, but have you ever in your life heard a more perfect description of what you want to see in a horror movie?

Get a load of this trailer.

If they had to make a sequel, they at least should have thrown out all the terrible mistakes they made the first time around, starting with the size of the chipmunks themselves. They worked in cartoon form because they were basically children. But when something that is actually the size of a rodent goes around kissing girls on the hand, it’s profoundly creepy.

I close with a plea to all the filmmakers of the world: STOP DOING SHIT LIKE THIS. Thank you.

You know, before he became a quaintly doddering coot, a vaguely avuncular embarrassment to everyone who ever rocked out to “N.I.B.”

Now he’s in this commercial for some kind of cell phone or electronic day planner or tricorder or whatever the hell. The commercial—which I’m about to show you, admittedly playing right into Samsung’s hands—plays on this new, amusingly non-threatening persona in a big way, making me hold my head in my hands and weep as I put Blizzard of Ozz on the turntable.

I can’t imagine a worse trailer than this one for The Godfather. Watching this, you’d never guess it was advertising a movie many people consider to be the greatest ever made, or even a movie anyone would ever want to see. It’s perhaps the most tedious three and a half minutes ever put on public display.

Think about a trailer you’ve seen that got you so pumped up about a movie you almost dumped in your didies. We’ve all seen trailers like that. Has any of those trailers ever been an endless parade of still photos of things like license plates? I’d be willing to bet that the answer is no.

And then there’s the little matter of the trailer tipping its hand. By which, of course, I mean that it explicitly spells out everything that happens in the entire freaking movie, and I do mean everything. Three hours of masterful cinematic art rendered wholly pointless by three minutes of crap.

Prepare to have your faith in The Godfather shaken to its very foundations.

Now, I was all set to review it for you, because I knew from previous research (yes I have done Ace Ventura related research do you want to fight about it) that the whole movie was available on YouTube. Imagine then my surprise when I went to the site today to watch the movie and found that it had been taken off YouTube! Awww, dang! Looks like I won’t be able to sit here for ninety minutes wishing that I was dead.

I don’t know why this movie exists. The original Ace Ventura movies were despicable; why anyone thought we needed another sequel fifteen years later is beyond me. Watch the trailer to get an idea of what kind of horror is in store for you.

But I’m here to tell you that all those people are as wrong as they could possibly be. I’m completely confident that I’m about to tell you about the best movie ever made, and I’ve never even seen the thing. Based solely on this trailer, I’m prepared to declare this the greatest cinematic achievement possible. The flick unleashes its direct-to-home-video magic later this month, so ladies and gentlemen, I give you: Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus.

Lord, I wish the Batman TV series would come to DVD.

I can’t imagine a more awful movie coming out this year. I may not be able to imagine a more awful movie ever coming out. Just look at this bullshit:

Enter Seth Rogen, who is rapidly becoming my favorite guy in Hollywood. He’s the dude who knocked up Katherine Heigl in Knocked Up, and played an immature cop in Superbad.

His next project, which he wrote and stars in, is about potheads who get mixed up in the seedy world of professional murder. It’s called Pineapple Express, and it has the single greatest trailer I’ve seen for a movie in maybe a decade. As usual, it’s all about the music, so watch out for the second half, when M.I.A’s “Paper Planes” starts to play over slow motion clips from the movie. It’s so incredibly effective as background music, you actually experience that “falling in love” feeling in your chest, which is usually reserved for girls who play tennis.

(Yes, I know Judd Apatow produced it. But if you listened to our latest Podcast, you’d know that Seth Rogen trumps Judd Apatow every time.)

Check it out: